I can’t tell you how many times I have heard male clients tell me that they don’t get sexual satisfaction in their marriage because their wives don’t like sex. I can feel their disappointment and frustration about not getting their sexual needs met in their marriage. Yet, I also know there are always two sides to every story and sex is a natural human need that we all have, male and female.  Unfortunately, men and women have a very different biological sexual response and if this is not understood, there is a lot of room for the woman to be left unsatisfied and thinking that sex isn’t worth the bother. Also, this primal need is often repressed in those who have been shamed into believing sex is dirty or bad. These deeper issues can lead to sexual dysfunctions.

When I delve into the issues, I often ask these men if they have considered the fact that maybe their wives indeed would love to have a satisfying sex life but just don’t know how or feel comfortable asking for what they want. Our culture does not encourage us, especially women, to express our sexual needs. In fact, many don’t even know what their needs are, no less how to express it to their partner. I find this a very sad reality that so many people live with. There are so many factors that contribute to one’s lack of sexual satisfaction and I am aware that there is no simple solution, however, without self awareness and clear communication there is no hope.

Men, if you want to have great sex, or any kind of sex in your marriage, start by paying close attention to the subtle cues that your wife gives you about what pleasures her. Maybe she has a favorite actor or performing artist that excites her. Maybe she has a favorite romantic movie that will give you a lot of clues about what turns her on. More importantly, pay close attention to her. Ask her how she feels. Ask her what she wants or needs to feel appreciated and loved. Let her know how much you love and admire her for the virtues that you adore.

It’s well known that the biggest sex organ is our mind. Where men are often visually focused and respond more readily to physical stimulation, women’s arousal start in other rooms in the house. Men who take the time to learn more about female sexuality and specifically show sincere interest in their partner’s needs and desires, are more likely that their sex lives will improve. However, that is not a guarantee. It may be a good idea to seek outside support with a sex specialist who can guide you as a couple toward ecstatic bliss.